Another week, another month, can't believe its almost october!! Time passes by so quickly, but most days I feel like Im watching go round and not really part of it. Some days, I do and its all to much and I want to shout stop the merry go round and let me get off.
Will would have been in his last year of school, gearing up for his GCSE's but he's not. He's not here he will never take his exams, or learn to drive or have a girlfriend. It's so hard, knowing it will never happen, no future for him.
How does a mother adjust to life without a child? This is my second child to have died and although Phoebe was only 11 days old, I still feel her future and our lives were robbed. She would have been 14 now, I often wonder what she would be like.
My children are so important to me and all I want is for them to be happy in life. But I feel I have let Will down, I made the decision to put Will through his second transplant, maybe just maybe he may have got better without it, or maybe not, but would he still be alive today?
I'II never know that, but the uncertainty of the decision I made hangs over me everyday. Its like the devil and the deep blue sea, if he hadn't had it done he would have died, but he did which gave him a 30% survival rate. So did I make the right choice? somedays I think yes other days I think not and he might still be here with us, although he would have been very sick, but at least I could hold him and talk to him! Is that so selfish to want that, although I did not want him to suffer anymore.