Another week, another month, can't believe its almost october!! Time passes by so quickly, but most days I feel like Im watching go round and not really part of it. Some days, I do and its all to much and I want to shout stop the merry go round and let me get off.
Will would have been in his last year of school, gearing up for his GCSE's but he's not. He's not here he will never take his exams, or learn to drive or have a girlfriend. It's so hard, knowing it will never happen, no future for him.
How does a mother adjust to life without a child? This is my second child to have died and although Phoebe was only 11 days old, I still feel her future and our lives were robbed. She would have been 14 now, I often wonder what she would be like.
My children are so important to me and all I want is for them to be happy in life. But I feel I have let Will down, I made the decision to put Will through his second transplant, maybe just maybe he may have got better without it, or maybe not, but would he still be alive today?
I'II never know that, but the uncertainty of the decision I made hangs over me everyday. Its like the devil and the deep blue sea, if he hadn't had it done he would have died, but he did which gave him a 30% survival rate. So did I make the right choice? somedays I think yes other days I think not and he might still be here with us, although he would have been very sick, but at least I could hold him and talk to him! Is that so selfish to want that, although I did not want him to suffer anymore.

Hi all.
Have just returned to work, which has been so tiring but necessary financially. I think I needed to go back to get some routine back in my life and some sense of purpose again.
We all went to a memory day at the local hospice on Sunday 13th, was a very special time and I was able to open up and cry with all the others who have lost their children. It sounds depressing but it really isn't, but its a service I thought I would never go to as I truly believed Will would live forever!!
I have read today about a little girl a BCH who was transplanted has died, it brings all the memories back and my heart and thoughts go out to her parents, again she was such a little fighter.
I sometimes think what did I do wrong? why Will, why me? its so unfair, all I did was love him he was so wanted and special. I do think if there is a GOD why does he punish us and our beautiful kids when there are so many horrible, bad people in this world who get away with shit!!

Josh my youngest started high school last week, the same as Will, he looked so proud in his uniform but we had so many sad memories, it was difficult to be happy for him, but I am so proud of him to, after all he's lost a brother too.

Hi
Im new to this, but I've decided to do this in memory of my son. I know there are lots of blogs out there but this is about my memories of my beautiful son Will who lost his battle for life after two transplants.
This is about my survival as a mother. It will incorporate Wills life before he died and our family. Also how his death has changed the whole dinamics and how we have moved on without him.
I am a total believer in organ transplant and will discuss this futher after being on the other side of the fence, its not nice wishing someone's death to save your child! But if it wasn't for those wonderful people out there we wouldn't have had an extra wonderful 18 months with our son.
It was an unfortunate event that lead us to him needing a second transplant but it shows how fickle life can be and how all hope can be pulled away from you so quickly.
I would like to post on a regular basis my feelings but life is so hard and some days are ok and some days are so dark I just can't see a future for me, even though I love my other children so much there is this gaping dark hole in my life that only Will could fill. I Would give my everything to have that back.